This is something new. I have always said (to myself, not necessarily out loud) that I will never do back-to-back same-day posts, but this is an event of some magnitude. Translation: I got Animal Crossing, and all my thoughts about Animal Crossing were beyond the scope of my just-published October reading summary, and so I made an entirely separate post about Animal Crossing. Not that this is going to change my mind about same-day posts going forward, but it doesn’t hurt to break ranks every once in a while. Also this may just be a me thing, but I’m having a hard time thinking of Animal Crossing as “AC” because “AC” to me means “Assassin’s Creed,” which is kind of a different vibe. We’re working on it.

Anyway. After years of indecision and general scheming, I finally got a Switch, and I got Animal Crossing. And, yeah, it’s cute and addicting and all that, but I have a rather large problem, namely that almost the minute I landed I got indebted to this fucking raccoon who charged me $49,800 worth of dumping-me-on-a-deserted-island fees asd;jkflkfljfsl WHO DOES THAT so in conclusion the raccoons are gangsters and you cannot convince me otherwise. Also I’m pretty sure I ran across the ghost of the last person who got fleeced by the raccoons, and I just want to put it out there that the raccoons didn’t mention that the island was haunted before I signed up for their deserted island getaway program, and they definitely didn’t warn me that I might get murdered by an angry tarantula. I think I might have to call my lawyer (“my lawyer” probably being my friend Diane, who has a charming island and kindly provided me with start-up capital only for me to then find out that the raccoon wished to be paid in Nook Miles rather than bells trololol he should be locked up).

Of course, having said that, I promptly sold my soul for a house because ya girl was tired of sleeping in a tent. You know that creepy neighbor who stands outside your house in the middle of the night because you got a house and they’re still living in a tent? Yeah, that was me.

$98,000 and some island-hopping later, I now have a sweet little red-roofed house, and I even have real furniture! I’ve made my bed, and now I get to lie in it. :’D This is a big deal because looking at the cot the raccoons provided was giving me a backache. Also I am obsessed with that hat and that frog tee and you’ll never get them off of me, I mean, talk about things I wish I had in real life. If there is one tiny little kernel of discontent, it’s that that damn raccoon immediately offered to upgrade my house (for more money) the literal second I paid off my housing loan. Diane says the raccoon will take everything I’ve got, and, based on his behavior so far, I believe her. The good thing is that racking up a pile of bells and Nook Miles is not hard because I have been relentlessly collecting shells and selling them to the baby raccoons at a tidy profit, mwahaha. I honestly had not expected to pay off either my moving fees or my housing loan as fast as I did, and the speed at which I dispensed with them has led me to label myself “Aggressive Bill Payer” on my passport.

Then this morning I opened my shop and I have a few questions, starting with why are the baby raccoons naked like what in the cinnamon toast fuck is Tom Nook doing with my housing fees if he doesn’t have money to buy them clothes and can we sue him.

I mean. The shop is real nice and it’s on a prime bit of real estate by the beach, but I am expecting a certain level of caring for your workers, TOM. On the other hand, I haven’t had too much time to start investigating Tom’s workplace practices because today was also the day my museum opened, and my wetsuit and snorkel arrived, and I’ve been very busy snorkeling around the island and collecting new specimens for Blathers (whom I keep wanting to call Hootsworth, because curse Brooklyn Nine-Nine and its sheer abundance of YouTube clips).

Next time I’ll remember to wear the water shoes I ordered a while ago. As my final act before my Switch demanded to be fed, I put together my first bridge and set it up between the villagers’ houses and the shop. I now have three housing kits, which I’m going to set up next in preparation for the new villagers I’ve been inviting to live on Jelly Cove, mostly because I want a gorram ladder and Tom has not yet offered me one. I’ve got a pocketful of DIY furniture recipes, and I’m looking forward to a lot of AC HGTV.

P.S. Sorry about the photo copyrights. The text is supposed to be white, but I was setting up Photoshop on my new computer and I didn’t realize I’d accidentally turned the caption brown, and long story short I’m too fucking lazy to go back and stamp them all over again. It’s fine. This is fine. It doesn’t bother me at all.

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